Agent Palmer

Episode 102 features the long-awaited return of my friend and the second Palmer files guest, Kristin Maier.

We discuss writing and blogging, sharing, slowing down, speeding up, understanding ourselves, cycles, perception, reality and so much more…

Throughout the conversation, we discuss:

• Writing
• Blogging
• Getting personal online
• Toxic productivity
• The Spoon Theory
• Purpose
• Plans
• Anxiety
• Storytelling
• Dirty Dishes
• And much more

Mentioned and Helpful Links from This Episode

The Palmer Files Episode 2: Blogging with Kristin Maier

HoneyBears & SydneyBeans

–End Transmission–

–Being Transcription–

00:00:00:08 – 00:00:21:29
Agent Palmer
Previously on Agent Palmer, dot com, Multiversal Mayhem, Capture the Grave and Trilogy, and the Unbelievably good If You’re a Grave. How I Had My Record Collection and Why I Did It. And not only was the guest for 101 familiar to longtime listeners, but so will this one. This is The Palmer Files episode 102, which features the long awaited return of my friend and the second Palmer Files guest Kristen Maier.

00:00:21:43 – 00:01:03:43
Agent Palmer
We discussed writing and blogging, sharing, slowing down, speeding up, understanding ourselves, cycles, perception, reality, and so much more. Are you ready? Let’s do the show.

00:01:03:48 – 00:01:21:41
Agent Palmer
Hello, and welcome to The Palmer Files. I’m your host, Jason Stershic, also known as Agent Palmer. And on this 102nd episode is the long awaited return of Kristen Maier. Perhaps you remember her from 100 episodes ago, when she was the second ever guest on this podcast? Perhaps you know her blog, Honey Bears and Sidney Beans, or her podcast?

00:01:21:43 – 00:01:42:08
Agent Palmer
How was your week, honey? Co-hosted with her husband, Chris? Well, she’s returned to continue the conversation about writing and blogging, communicating and getting to know ourselves. We also discussed parenting during the pandemic lockdown, her living with being diagnosed with Ms.. Sharing the dirty dishes and perception versus reality. All of that and a whole lot more is coming your way.

00:01:42:10 – 00:02:01:20
Agent Palmer
But first, remember if you want to discuss this episode as you listen to her afterwards, you can find all contact information for Kristen and myself in the show notes. You can also find more information about Kristen’s blog, Honey Bears and Sidney Beans and her podcast. How was your week, honey? Also in the show notes, don’t forget you can see all of my writings and rantings on Agent palmer.com.

00:02:01:20 – 00:02:12:16
Agent Palmer
And of course, email can be sent to the Palmer files@gmail.com. So without further ado, let’s continue it.

00:02:12:20 – 00:02:23:35
Agent Palmer
Kristen, I know the first time you came on this show, which was far too long ago, we discussed how your blogging started as a way to stay in touch with your extended family.

00:02:23:40 – 00:02:24:40
Kristin Maier
Yes.

00:02:24:45 – 00:02:48:31
Agent Palmer
And since that episode, we have lived through, global pandemic and you are now living with a misdiagnosis. And through it all, you have continued to write. And in fact, you and I probably don’t talk nearly as much as I think either of us would like. But I’ve been able to kind of follow your journey through the blog.

00:02:48:36 – 00:03:06:23
Agent Palmer
And so I wanted to ask you, has the act of writing changed as your circumstances has like because as a reader, as someone who’s just been following along and as your friend, it feels like the blog has become a bit of a catharsis for you.

00:03:06:28 – 00:03:07:24
Kristin Maier
Do you want me to answer?

00:03:07:25 – 00:03:08:07
Agent Palmer
Yeah.

00:03:08:12 – 00:03:19:41
Kristin Maier
Okay. Yes. I’ve actually gone back because I’m in the process of changing servers. I don’t know if that’s what it’s called. But I’m going from posts, whatever.

00:03:19:43 – 00:03:19:57
Agent Palmer
Yeah.

00:03:19:59 – 00:03:54:42
Kristin Maier
Blogger to WordPress. Yep. So, I’ve been going through and rereading everything from my very first post to today, and I can clearly see a difference in my writing now as opposed to before 2020. Right. I was funny. I like, wrote about children pooping like explosive diarrhea and, things that were happening with a toddler and a baby, and then, elementary school child with a preschooler.

00:03:54:47 – 00:04:02:07
Kristin Maier
Now it’s very serious. I feel like it’s more of a like.

00:04:02:11 – 00:04:26:53
Agent Palmer
Well, hold on, though, because here’s the thing. And I don’t, you know, again, just from the outside. All of the friends I have who have kids your age and older, all of the funny stories happen when they’re younger. So it’s so inherent in the stories you’re telling. They’re going to be funnier when your kids are younger because kids say the darndest things, but teenagers, not so much.

00:04:26:58 – 00:04:46:32
Kristin Maier
Okay. You’re absolutely right. Because actually, my youngest, she’s ten now, so she said, mom, do you write about me in the blog? I said, well, I used to write about you a lot more. But now they feel like their stories. Yeah. And I feel like I am encroaching on their privacy when I tell stories about them.

00:04:46:45 – 00:05:07:27
Kristin Maier
Okay. So more now it’s stories about how I feel about them. So it’s not their antics which are still funny, and they’re still poop. Okay. Like, I don’t a 14 and a ten year old, two girls, and there’s still so much poop and so many stories like that. But I could tell. But now they would be embarrassed.

00:05:07:28 – 00:05:22:47
Kristin Maier
Yes. Right now it’s not as funny if something happens to a 14 year old that shouldn’t have it. Right. So that’s their private stories that maybe they’ll have a podcast or a blog later in life and tell all their embarrassing shit, but it won’t be me that’s telling it.

00:05:22:52 – 00:05:55:02
Agent Palmer
All right. But I will say, you seem to be, at least in the last couple of years, getting out of your own head like it almost feels like when I read your blog, I’m in your head and I don’t, I guess. Have you gotten to like the stuff from the last year when you’ve been going through because, like, it feels like a different kind of writing, like it feels like it went from, hey fam, this is what’s up to Dear Journal.

00:05:55:06 – 00:06:13:11
Agent Palmer
This is what I’m feeling like that switch happened. I don’t want to blame it on the misdiagnosis because there was also a pandemic in there, and I think both of those things combine. But it definitely feels like you went from, hey, I want to tell you, it’s up to Dear Journal like it that that shift happened.

00:06:13:16 – 00:06:38:52
Kristin Maier
Things got so heavy. And having again, two kids at home during Covid in years that were very important to their development. Right. So in the last year, I was diagnosed. Themes. We’re just getting through Covid. My eldest was diagnosed with depression, which has been it that literally changed everything. It was right before I was diagnosed.

00:06:38:52 – 00:07:09:03
Kristin Maier
Themes. And, dealing with what she’s going through and everything on a daily basis makes me not as funny. Makes me not as telling the story from a third person as opposed to, like, telling my story. Right? Like, and talking about my thoughts, feelings, fears. Yeah. But I have to be so careful because you don’t know how many people message me and they’re like, stop complaining.

00:07:09:08 – 00:07:27:18
Kristin Maier
And yeah, I don’t want to read your blog, but it’s what’s going on about your life. And I’m like, I’m not complaining about my life. I love my life. And this is where, like, my uncle’s not like you don’t protest too much. I’m like, no, no, I truly love, I love where I live, I love my husband, I love my children.

00:07:27:23 – 00:07:46:27
Kristin Maier
I have a very semi-charmed kind of life. So that’s I’m never trying to put out negative. I’m trying to help people that may be going through similar things as me, and I try to end on a positive, hopeful note every time. But to be honest, some days I’m not positive and hopeful.

00:07:46:41 – 00:07:50:12
Agent Palmer
Yeah, I see, I don’t, I heard.

00:07:50:17 – 00:07:53:13
Kristin Maier
So many people message me. I do have no idea, but okay.

00:07:53:13 – 00:08:28:12
Agent Palmer
But I would say, I would say they’re not reading your blog properly then because like I there there’s I think you whether you intend to or not, I think there’s always a subtext of positivity in, in, in your writing. And I also think that we have bad stretches like I’ve, I’ve been, I think for the first time, I’m starting to come to the realization of why I’ve been depressed for the last six months to a year or whatever.

00:08:28:12 – 00:08:57:30
Agent Palmer
And it’s because for the first time in my life, my professional life is unfulfilling as the the job search drones on and my personal life is great, which is a flip for me. My my professional life was always the stronger of the two. Always. And when that flips, that equilibrium is very different. And, I don’t talk about it probably nearly as much as I should.

00:08:57:30 – 00:08:58:08
Agent Palmer
I think that’s where.

00:08:58:08 – 00:08:58:36
Kristin Maier
You.

00:08:58:40 – 00:09:27:05
Agent Palmer
That’s where you and I are. That’s kind of on other sides. Right? Because I have something I can share with my audience. Somebody could listen and go like, oh, I feel that too. Right? And it’s yes, it’s a, it’s a camaraderie thing. And while you and I have very different things going on, I relate to what you’re writing about and not in a way of it’s like, oh, well, Kristen must be depressed again.

00:09:27:05 – 00:09:32:10
Agent Palmer
Or like, no, it’s not that at all. It’s just like, oh, she’s got some shit going on. Like, and.

00:09:32:16 – 00:09:53:51
Kristin Maier
That’s what I’m hoping that people will see is it’s, it’s not people troll around the word depression so easily nowadays. And to be honest, I did not know what depression was. I did not know. I have not really had experience. I come from that generation where you shut the fuck up and you go, oh, I’m sorry for.

00:09:53:56 – 00:10:06:32
Agent Palmer
No no no no no no no. You’re like, but don’t forget, we’re not only that generation, we’re the last generation where there were, you know, we’re in between, so to speak.

00:10:06:46 – 00:10:07:24
Kristin Maier
We are. Yeah.

00:10:07:24 – 00:10:25:03
Agent Palmer
But but but because of our association with Gen X, which was the last bastion of boys don’t cry. Right. It and and and by the way, girls didn’t cry outside of their rooms either. Like you didn’t do that. You held that shit in you.

00:10:25:03 – 00:10:25:35
Kristin Maier
Have you.

00:10:25:36 – 00:10:26:28
Agent Palmer
Shared that.

00:10:26:33 – 00:10:27:16
Kristin Maier
Out of that?

00:10:27:27 – 00:10:43:36
Agent Palmer
You know, like, you know, you put on the brave face, right? Like the stoicism was hiding everything. You weren’t supposed to necessarily also show that you were extremely happy either. You were just supposed to be. That’s it. Yeah.

00:10:43:41 – 00:11:07:34
Kristin Maier
And so for me, I think, like showing these kind of emotions in which I have been, I’ve been trying to learn how to communicate better, because our generation just didn’t learn how to communicate well. And my kids are teaching me so much about that. And I’m really, really grateful. However, when I do that, I feel like people see it the wrong way.

00:11:07:34 – 00:11:30:05
Kristin Maier
I went to my neurologist second time meeting him. I introduced myself again because I didn’t remember meeting him the first time, because I was in my first flare up. And so I introduced myself and I said, this is the way I see things. And, I’d like to know if you’re on my team kind of thing. Yeah. And I cried, and I was like, I am so frustrated because my whole life has changed.

00:11:30:05 – 00:11:44:19
Kristin Maier
I’ve been a person that is a type. I can do 12 things at once, and if I’m not doing 12 things at once, I feel like I’m not being productive. Now I can barely think and go to the bathroom at the same time.

00:11:44:26 – 00:11:45:00
Agent Palmer
But don’t do it.

00:11:45:09 – 00:11:46:29
Kristin Maier
I can’t do things like that.

00:11:46:29 – 00:12:13:47
Agent Palmer
But I will stop you because, a couple episodes ago, I talked to Jacob Burgess, and I was explaining to him, like, how I see the content I create, and he’s like, that sounds like toxic productivity. And it absolutely is. But somebody has to tell you that, right? Like, and I’m in the same boat as you where like, I can do those 12 things and there’s a part of my brain that will do that.

00:12:13:56 – 00:12:38:25
Agent Palmer
And I’m active currently I’m, I’m battling this part of my brain because I, I don’t want to go to bed having written one article or having edited one podcast or having just recorded a podcast, just doing one thing and saying, well, that was a waste of a day like that because it’s, it’s it’s so not. But that’s.

00:12:38:25 – 00:12:41:32
Kristin Maier
You know, but you’re learning this, okay. So hard.

00:12:41:32 – 00:13:14:23
Agent Palmer
But you and I, this is where we have been, you know ignoring let’s let’s go to pre like 2019 from 2010 to 2019. Those were the lives we led. You had kids and a job and a family. I had a job and a podcast and like trying to have relationships like we all had. You and I specifically probably did more than we should have if we’re being like in hindsight, looking back, like we probably could have unpacked a little bit and been fine.

00:13:14:28 – 00:13:33:03
Kristin Maier
But but I miss it. I’m not going to lie. Like I missed that feeling of and this is where I keep on saying to my oldest because she’s like crying or she’s doing the dishes right? And I’m like, why are you crying? It’s like, because I went to school, dude. Then I had to come home and I had to, like, clean my bedroom, and now I have to do dishes and I’m just like, wow.

00:13:33:10 – 00:13:53:08
Kristin Maier
Because I feel like when I do 15 things in a day, I just like pat on the back, like, look at me. Yeah, I cannot believe I’ve done blog posts where I write about my day at 7 a.m. I started and then all the way to bedtime. And I’m proud of those days. I can’t have those days anymore, and I miss them.

00:13:53:19 – 00:14:24:03
Kristin Maier
But when I told my neurologist this, he called my doctor. My doctor called me my like family doctor and said, your neurologist believes that you have suffered from depression and need to be put on anti-depressants. And I was like, no, that’s that’s not what I said at all. I don’t feel and I get it. I miss the number one, symptom is depression, which I don’t believe because I believe that people in my situation, I don’t believe that we’re depressed.

00:14:24:03 – 00:14:26:40
Kristin Maier
I believe that we’re dealing with major changes.

00:14:26:40 – 00:14:27:36
Agent Palmer
I think it’s I.

00:14:27:41 – 00:14:29:18
Kristin Maier
Feel it so much frustration.

00:14:29:25 – 00:14:31:50
Agent Palmer
Yeah. Because I,

00:14:31:55 – 00:14:50:17
Kristin Maier
I had to slow down so much during Covid, and I thought that I thought that we had slowed down. I was just like, wow, look at me. How you know, and I and I had it myself on the back and I wrote blog posts about it. And like, the whole world is slowing down. We need at this time to, like, really reflect and like connect.

00:14:50:22 – 00:14:57:48
Kristin Maier
And now I’m like, I have to slow down more. This is this is crazy. You and I don’t feel like there’s purpose.

00:14:57:48 – 00:15:19:12
Agent Palmer
I wonder, I wonder how much of it has to do with the fact that you have kids, and I don’t, because I looked at Covid as a way to do more like I did not like like I looked at. It was like, oh, everything else is slowing down. It’s time to read a little bit more. It’s time to double down on making sure that my writing’s, good.

00:15:19:12 – 00:15:41:16
Agent Palmer
It’s time. Like I, I did more around the house. I did some purging. I, you know, like, I looked at it as I have this time where the job search is basically on hold, people are just thankful for keeping what they’ve got. And I’m like, well, I’ve got this time now I might as well use I did not.

00:15:41:21 – 00:15:49:16
Agent Palmer
I think more people probably should have treated it as a vacation because no one relaxed enough during that time. It was hard.

00:15:49:21 – 00:16:11:52
Kristin Maier
Relax with kids. I mean, we were homeschooling for six months, you know, like, which was difficult. And we did homeschooling a bit different than other people where I wrote the schedule every single day. And the kids got up and we did school every day, and we did like a half an hour of like, social studies. And the kids, you know, with Rowan, she had already done my oldest.

00:16:11:52 – 00:16:29:33
Kristin Maier
She’d already been through Canada. So I was like, okay, let’s learn the states. So she had to write an essay on the states. Not. And, and Mexico because I was like, let’s do our whole, you know, landmass and, and said she learned all of, like, the capitals. And then we did Chris would do math, and then we did science and we did gym.

00:16:29:33 – 00:16:40:00
Kristin Maier
And I mean, we we did everything every day. I wanted to keep them in that habit. Yeah. Because if you get out of the school habit, it’s hard to get back in C.

00:16:40:05 – 00:16:50:41
Agent Palmer
And I feel like I, you know what? I, I could have done more because I during that time, that same time I was pen pal ING with both of your children.

00:16:50:46 – 00:16:55:07
Kristin Maier
This is true. They always ask where the pen pal went.

00:16:55:12 – 00:16:55:32
Agent Palmer
Actually, I.

00:16:55:33 – 00:16:56:27
Kristin Maier
Think you’re very busy.

00:16:56:27 – 00:16:59:39
Agent Palmer
I believe it’s their turn. And actually,

00:16:59:43 – 00:17:19:20
Kristin Maier
But we had we also had a move during that time. We we built a house and we moved upstairs, so we it was weird because I, we weren’t allowed go downstairs to see my dad, and he had some of our stuff and like, just it was just such a weird time. Right? I do not feel like we did nothing during that time.

00:17:19:25 – 00:17:36:29
Kristin Maier
I feel like I wrote more, I, I exercised, I probably was in the best shape of my life because Chris and I would exercise every day. And I spent a lot of time with the kids now, whether or not that was a good idea, I don’t know.

00:17:36:33 – 00:17:40:38
Agent Palmer
I mean, I, I think no one looks back.

00:17:40:38 – 00:17:47:21
Kristin Maier
So I’ve parents shouldn’t be as involved in their kids lives as all of us have been involved in the last five years.

00:17:47:30 – 00:17:47:49
Agent Palmer
Okay.

00:17:47:49 – 00:17:53:49
Kristin Maier
That’s like we know every single thing that’s happening because I, I asked the kids stuff that my parents would have never asked me.

00:17:53:49 – 00:18:06:43
Agent Palmer
So yes, that’s fair because I, you haven’t heard it yet because obviously I record ahead of time, but I have this is episode 102, so 100 with my father has been recorded and I’ve edited it already.

00:18:06:45 – 00:18:09:30
Kristin Maier
I’m excited for that. Your mom’s episode is my favorite.

00:18:09:30 – 00:18:32:25
Agent Palmer
And so, I got his philosophy. And anybody listening to this now has already heard it, but I got his philosophy on parenting in that episode. I never I didn’t really I get a chance to ask him. It’s not something that ever came up beforehand. Right. Because you don’t think, even as an adult to ask your parents, like things about it.

00:18:32:25 – 00:18:53:08
Agent Palmer
And so, like, I the opportunity happened. Like, you can’t I couldn’t not take that opportunity. But I feel like no one ever regrets spending time. Maybe getting involved. That’s a different kind of involvement. But no one ever goes like I should have spent less time with my parents or less time with my kids. Like nobody says that, right?

00:18:53:20 – 00:19:04:39
Agent Palmer
Maybe I shouldn’t have forced them to do this thing. That’s a completely, you know, whatever. But I don’t I who knows? And look, we’re all in uncharted territory here.

00:19:04:44 – 00:19:16:43
Kristin Maier
It. You’re absolutely right, I just, I oh my gosh, I just having a teenager is the biggest change in my life. Bigger than a mess I think sometimes.

00:19:16:48 – 00:19:34:06
Agent Palmer
Well, I mean, okay, but let me ask you this. Are you do you think having one teenager will better prepare you from having another one? Because the younger one’s on her way, like there’s. You can’t stop time. Times undefeated.

00:19:34:11 – 00:19:36:57
Kristin Maier
They are so different.

00:19:37:02 – 00:19:38:38
Agent Palmer
That it’s not a matter.

00:19:38:43 – 00:20:02:31
Kristin Maier
I don’t think so. Okay. There’s so completely different. Our youngest, who’s ten, is already a teenager, and the 14 year old is acts like she’s ten most times. Like it’s crazy how different they are. Sydney is a little mini me and Rohan is Chris.

00:20:02:40 – 00:20:31:39
Agent Palmer
You know what’s funny? When I was writing with them, you know, obviously they were younger because this was a couple years ago. But I didn’t get a feeling for who they were, like, look, I’ve, I’ve, I’ve talked to you and Chris socially, and I’ve heard you guys on the podcast and I’ve read the blog, but I didn’t get a feel for, like, them being mini versions of you, like, they really are.

00:20:31:44 – 00:20:32:20
Kristin Maier
Themselves.

00:20:32:20 – 00:20:49:04
Agent Palmer
Themselves in a way that’s like, okay, I get this now. Like, you know, I know, you know, you can see because I know, I know their parents, right. So like, I can see some of the humor kind of peek through a little bit, but like, otherwise, like they’re so, different.

00:20:49:09 – 00:20:55:59
Kristin Maier
They are. And they both they’re both funny. They’re both smart. They’re both kind. I mean, like, they have all of those things that.

00:20:56:04 – 00:20:57:09
Agent Palmer
You want them to have.

00:20:57:23 – 00:21:16:12
Kristin Maier
You want them to have. And, and we’re a close family. Like, I don’t I’m not embarrassed when they go out on their own or anything. I know that they’re going to make good choices. You, I mean, or hope that they do. But yeah, for the most part, they got good heads on their shoulders. It’s the way they approach things and life.

00:21:16:27 – 00:21:42:53
Kristin Maier
Sydney approaches with gusto. Okay. Like nobody doesn’t hear her. Everybody knows if she’s happy or if she’s sad or if she’s angry. Rohan is completely different. She is. Okay. Okay. Even if she hates it, even if that’s not what she wants to do, she she would rather just say okay than dwell on it, and get upset about it inside.

00:21:42:53 – 00:21:48:06
Kristin Maier
And then later on kind of burst where Sydney bursts and then it’s all over.

00:21:48:11 – 00:21:49:45
Agent Palmer
And so there’s a balance there.

00:21:49:51 – 00:21:51:36
Kristin Maier
Understand that they both do that.

00:21:51:36 – 00:21:55:45
Agent Palmer
It feels like they both need to come to the middle like.

00:21:55:50 – 00:22:00:07
Kristin Maier
A little well, we’re getting into menstruation time. So I don’t see that there’s going to be any.

00:22:00:07 – 00:22:02:47
Agent Palmer
Middles okay okay.

00:22:02:52 – 00:22:25:01
Kristin Maier
I just see crazy girl, freaking out. And Syd already does, and I can handle that. Like, I can just laugh that off. It’s the silence. And Chris does that, too. And for 20 years, I’ve tried to deal with that, and, it’s it’s something that I just don’t understand.

00:22:25:01 – 00:22:50:00
Agent Palmer
I don’t I but here’s the thing. We talked about this earlier. I think part of it’s generational because I know for a fact that Steph doesn’t know enough about what I’m like. I she can she can read my mood. Right? Like there’s no hiding that. Right? Like we don’t have to be together for two decades in order for her to walk in a room and know exactly how I’m feeling.

00:22:50:04 – 00:23:19:25
Agent Palmer
Right. But I don’t necessarily communicate the why or even the what. Right. Well, enough, and I, I know that, and I’m getting a little bit better at it. And part of it’s circumstance and I say that in a way where it’s who’s first in line, right? There are days because you and I have talked maybe once, once a month on average.

00:23:19:30 – 00:23:39:08
Agent Palmer
There are days when I talk to you about what’s going on in my head at 2:00 in the afternoon that I don’t talk to her about for another three weeks because I talked about it that day. I don’t need to talk about it again. And because she’s working and I’m not, I get a chance to have these conversations with you, with my father, with my mother.

00:23:39:08 – 00:23:47:48
Agent Palmer
And I get it. I don’t want to talk about it again. And that that’s, you know, that’s a my that’s a me problem that it takes.

00:23:47:48 – 00:23:49:09
Kristin Maier
Up so much energy.

00:23:49:14 – 00:23:49:54
Agent Palmer
Oh my God. Right.

00:23:49:55 – 00:24:01:50
Kristin Maier
Like that I started the spoon thing. So and that’s how I’ve explained it to the kids. I explain it to Chris is I’m given ten spoons a day, and I know that showers, three spoons. Right.

00:24:01:55 – 00:24:02:22
Agent Palmer
Okay.

00:24:02:22 – 00:24:20:19
Kristin Maier
And this is a spoon and this is a spoon. So if I’ve used up all my spoons by noon, then, I’m in bed because I’m only given a certain amount per day. And so the kids understand that, you know, like Sydney this morning, she’s like, Will you walk me to school? I’m like, that’ll take two spoons. And she’s like, okay, how about halfway?

00:24:20:24 – 00:24:35:07
Kristin Maier
Right. So yeah, because I know walking back uphill is going to like, I might have to take a nap before I talk with you, okay. Because the and I’m starting to learn that and starting to, slow down and slow my roll and understand where I fit in. Right.

00:24:35:11 – 00:24:35:42
Agent Palmer
Yeah.

00:24:35:47 – 00:24:53:39
Kristin Maier
But everything takes so much energy. So, like yesterday, I had an awful day. Yesterday, Chris came home and he is just like, tell me about it. And I was like, I, I can’t like it’s just I’ve already did it. I already went through it. I felt the emotions. It’s stressing me out. I’m in bed in the dark right now.

00:24:53:44 – 00:25:02:14
Kristin Maier
And then this morning I woke up and I’m in a much better mood. I showed him a picture. I’m like, this is what happened. Delilah and I. And I told him everything I couldn’t last night because I had no energy.

00:25:02:20 – 00:25:08:00
Agent Palmer
Yeah, I think that I am.

00:25:08:04 – 00:25:59:40
Agent Palmer
The the I don’t know what it is, but I think I’m learning from the people around me. You specifically, for some reason, there are a lot of people I know that have Ms. now really is. Yeah. It is weird and, and and what I have learned is, if for better or worse, I don’t want to wait until I get not that diagnosis, but I get something like, I know, yeah, I know, I’m not going to be living, knock on wood, but I just don’t foresee a scenario where I’m not diagnosed with something cancer and some kind of thing before I’m 80 or whatever it is.

00:25:59:40 – 00:26:21:40
Agent Palmer
And and I look at everyone who’s doing their stuff and living with their thing, and, you know, maybe mine’s done. Maybe my anxiety is my thing. Right? But I look at it as everybody else seems to have found their new normal with what I do, that that is that they’re living right. And and it always changes and it’s always evolving, but they’re figuring it out.

00:26:21:40 – 00:26:44:48
Agent Palmer
And so I’m looking at it like I need to adjust as I go along because you, you just can’t do everything. And I also feel like I don’t want to get to a point where it’s not my decision, which I think is the one thing I’ve learned from everybody else. You’ve talked about having balance or on the ten spoons is a perfect example.

00:26:44:48 – 00:26:57:01
Agent Palmer
Like you understand where you’re at. I don’t want to be in a position where, like I, I have to live with 20 spoons and all of a sudden I’m only given ten. So I want to kind of take control of that ahead of time.

00:26:57:01 – 00:27:00:32
Kristin Maier
But are you doing prepping like I.

00:27:00:37 – 00:27:01:41
Agent Palmer
I think it’s balance.

00:27:01:44 – 00:27:23:17
Kristin Maier
Speaking about this because like, if I would have known I would I was going to get Ms.. Would I have done more before? And I’m like, what am I going to live like? My mom died, my mom had M.S. okay, so I already kind of lived through Ms.. Because I watched my mom. Yeah, going through it. And then my mum died at 54 of cancer.

00:27:23:22 – 00:27:48:34
Kristin Maier
So I’m just watching me wear her cardigan. It’s not her cardigan, but it looks just like it. I have to like I just look in the mirror and I’m like, I am my mother. And the same things that happened to her, she got Ms.. You know, 30, I was 40, you know, I assume I will get cancer by 54 to 64 and I that’s pretty much what I assume.

00:27:48:42 – 00:28:07:33
Kristin Maier
And I think about it now, I’m like, should I stop going up in the sun because it’ll give me cancer faster? Or should I stop? And I don’t know, like, I don’t want to live like that. Pretty sure that that’s what’s going to happen, because I followed every single thing that she has done in her life, all the bad things I’ve done.

00:28:07:38 – 00:28:20:07
Kristin Maier
She kept on telling me not to follow her, and I kept on following her. And then I look at said, I’m just like a you’re just a mini me and a mini Nana. And what do I tell her? You’re probably going to get Ms.. You might die of cancer. I mean, that’s.

00:28:20:10 – 00:28:47:48
Agent Palmer
Her, I think. I think it’s just about control, right? Because like, I and I think it really is more about balance, which I it’s not a word I like because balance has become a buzzword of sorts. But like, right now, I’m either working on something or I’m unmotivated. There is no in between. There is never a point in my day where I’m just happy to be right.

00:28:47:49 – 00:29:02:40
Agent Palmer
I’m not. I’m I’m, I that doesn’t mean I don’t enjoy what I’m doing. I enjoy reading, but I’m reading to write the review. Okay, I enjoy running, but I’m running to exercise. I and I.

00:29:02:40 – 00:29:07:33
Kristin Maier
I just read a book yesterday that I’m not going to review. Oh. What?

00:29:07:38 – 00:29:17:40
Agent Palmer
See, I’m not I’m not there yet. I do not do that. I’m not there. But I’ve finally gotten there with some movie and movies and television. But I haven’t gotten there with books. Right.

00:29:17:40 – 00:29:40:40
Kristin Maier
So I, I, I’m doing the, challenge at our library. It’s, the ultimate book. Book nerd. So you have 50 books, and they tell you like the topic? And I read one that was a topic last week, and I really enjoyed it. So I took out the second one and I looked at it. I was like, okay, well, I can’t review and add this to my my book list, because it’s the second one, but I really want to read it.

00:29:40:40 – 00:29:44:08
Kristin Maier
And I was like, can I do it? It almost felt like walking without my Fitbit on.

00:29:44:08 – 00:29:47:25
Agent Palmer
Were you like, did you feel naked?

00:29:47:30 – 00:30:02:13
Kristin Maier
I felt like I was doing it for no reason, and I was, and as I was reading, I was like telling myself, I’m like, you’re reading it because you want to find out what happens in part two, like in the second book. Yeah, you can’t review it. It’s not going on your list, but you can just read it.

00:30:02:18 – 00:30:08:21
Kristin Maier
And I did, but I read it very quickly in one day because I was like, I don’t want to take up time of the other books that actually count.

00:30:08:21 – 00:30:11:23
Agent Palmer
Yes. Well all right. But but but.

00:30:11:26 – 00:30:14:23
Kristin Maier
You should you should read a book just for the sake of reading it.

00:30:14:28 – 00:30:33:21
Agent Palmer
I’m just saying, like, there are, there are like. But but that’s where it comes back to balance, right? Because that’s the way I’m looking at the world. And so I need to find something in between unproductive and productive, because there is definitely something in between there. They are not binary states by any stretch.

00:30:33:26 – 00:30:33:51
Kristin Maier
I don’t.

00:30:33:59 – 00:30:45:05
Agent Palmer
But that’s where we’ve been. And this goes back to where we were pre 2019. That it was either a productive day or it was a wasted day and there was not nothing else.

00:30:45:09 – 00:30:50:35
Kristin Maier
So that’s where I think I’m floundering. I don’t know if that’s weird, but the most is

00:30:50:40 – 00:30:51:44
Agent Palmer
Yeah that’s the word.

00:30:51:49 – 00:31:02:35
Kristin Maier
Yeah. I don’t I keep on saying like I don’t have purpose, but I’ve never woken up and not had anything to do.

00:31:02:40 – 00:31:03:47
Agent Palmer
Oh yeah.

00:31:03:51 – 00:31:25:59
Kristin Maier
Right. Like, I’ve, I’ve always worked 2 or 3 jobs, you know, I, I would work while I was in school because there was hours in the day, so you might as well use them. Yeah. And I would have like so many things on the go. And now I wake up and I’m like, which book am I going to read today if my eyes are even good enough to read?

00:31:26:04 – 00:31:49:18
Kristin Maier
I’ve never felt like this. Like, I clean the kitchen the other day and I was like, okay, well, that’s done. All the laundry is done by Tuesday. I’m just like, oh my God, but I can’t work because I only can last an hour or two before I have to take a nap. No job is going to keep me, but I also have nothing to do and it’s so weird, I hate it.

00:31:49:23 – 00:32:10:51
Agent Palmer
How have you adjusted to that? Because. Because to me. Right. I will get depressed the moment. There’s nothing to do. Like and or sad or not, sad is the wrong word. Depressed is the better word because I can still be happy and have nothing to do. But there is a part of me inside that’s like, what the fuck are you doing?

00:32:10:56 – 00:32:34:18
Agent Palmer
What’s going on here? Like, this is not like like, right? I am when there’s nothing, you know, when there’s no to do list, that’s when the alarm bells go off. That’s the red klaxon flashing, like, now maybe the alarm’s not going off. Maybe it’s just flashing in the background and everybody’s like, yeah, well, this is this. This happens every Tuesday or whatever.

00:32:34:18 – 00:32:40:04
Agent Palmer
Like, who knows? But I’m just like, I can’t, I need to move on to the next thing.

00:32:40:09 – 00:32:59:39
Kristin Maier
Chris and I don’t fight like, we don’t. We don’t fight about money. We don’t fight about much of anything. The only time that we ever fight is when there’s no plan. If I wake up on, like, a Sunday and we haven’t discussed what the family is doing that day, or there is no plans, I am a crotchety bitch.

00:32:59:43 – 00:33:07:24
Kristin Maier
I’m just like, there’s no plans. I don’t know what we’re doing. You know, like, I plan my my meals a month in advance.

00:33:07:29 – 00:33:16:27
Agent Palmer
You and I are the same in that regard, though, because, like, I will, I will ask Steph what she wants for dinner. At lunch.

00:33:16:32 – 00:33:25:10
Kristin Maier
Oh, my God, I could not do that. I could not, like, wait till noon and try to figure out what I’m having for dinner tonight. Well, I know what I’m having for dinner next Friday.

00:33:25:14 – 00:33:47:43
Agent Palmer
Oh, see? Yeah. See, it’s easier for two, right? Like, I think that that gives me a benefit. Right. But but she’s like, I don’t I haven’t figured out what I’m doing for lunch. Yeah, but but if, if I need to defrost meat, I need to do it now, like you can’t. Absolutely. I don’t want to wait until, like you, some of the meals I want to cook, I can’t do if you give me ten minutes notice, like that’s just not happening.

00:33:47:48 – 00:34:05:12
Agent Palmer
And the same is true of, like, my buddies a part of. I’ll be like, hey, bud, do you want to want to hang out later? He’s like, maybe I’m like, well, I guess I like I and I will just bother him. I’ll like, dude, look, I’m not going to be offended if you say no, but I need an answer.

00:34:05:12 – 00:34:08:45
Agent Palmer
Like, I just need to know what? That what’s happening?

00:34:08:57 – 00:34:27:16
Kristin Maier
Yes. The worst. There’s a couple things that, like, really set me off. And it’s like, if people don’t RSVP, if I like to hand out birthday invitations and like the people don’t RSVP, I’m just like, how am I supposed to expect like, why would people not do that? And that’s kind of like my dad. He does that all the time.

00:34:27:21 – 00:34:45:18
Kristin Maier
Like, hey, dad, I’m thinking about making Father’s Day plans, you know, should I make plans on the Saturday for dinner? Should we do brunch? I don’t know, I haven’t checked my calendar yet. Not sure what I’m doing that weekend. Well, what? Yeah, like. So he looks at his county. He’s like, I don’t have anything planned, but I don’t know what I’m going to be doing that weekend.

00:34:45:18 – 00:35:00:48
Kristin Maier
Well I do, how about you just put in your calendar. You’re doing something with me like why? And it happens to my sister even more because she’ll be like, dad, can you babysit the kids? And he’s like, I’m not sure what I’m doing that weekend. Well, now you know. Yeah, I just asked you. You say yes and now you have plans.

00:35:00:48 – 00:35:07:33
Kristin Maier
Yeah. What you’re saying to me is that you don’t want to have plans with me. But, dad.

00:35:07:38 – 00:35:16:06
Agent Palmer
But there’s that planning thing I think has everything to do with us waking up with it to do list their their energy.

00:35:16:14 – 00:35:38:10
Kristin Maier
I can’t do that now. I don’t know how I’m going to wake up in the day, and that is so freaking scary and frustrating because I can’t make plans for next week. I have. We’ve tried to go away so many times, I’m like, let’s do it. And as it gets closer, I’m like, I can’t do that. I can’t do that.

00:35:38:10 – 00:35:39:44
Kristin Maier
I don’t know how I’m going to feel that day.

00:35:39:46 – 00:36:14:59
Agent Palmer
All right. But here’s a question for you, because this is where your, your situation turns into my old situation, where is my anxiety gets worse in anticipation of something. So if you asked me right now to jump in my car and go somewhere, I would probably say, sure. If you tell me we’re going in a week, I have a week to ramp up the anxiety to the point where I’ll probably be like, nah, let’s not, let’s, let’s, let’s not do that thing.

00:36:15:04 – 00:36:39:25
Agent Palmer
And that’s where that’s that. I that’s kind of the life I’ve lived. And so I try and trick myself when I know there’s something coming up to not think about it until the day of the day before. Like I still go through the emotions of being a planner and being a preparer, but at the same time, like, I have to put it out of my mind so I don’t it doesn’t become a thing.

00:36:39:30 – 00:37:01:29
Kristin Maier
Debilitating, a debilitating thing, because that’s what it becomes for me. And another time we’ll fight. But it’s not really fighting because he knows me so well. We’ll make plans. And the day of I am a complete shrew because. And he’s like, it’s okay, we’re still going out. You can treat me like this. You can call me every name in the book, but we’re still going out tonight.

00:37:01:29 – 00:37:29:46
Kristin Maier
You made plans fall through. Kristen and I do, and I always have fun. So I have to remember that. But now it’s got to the point of, I don’t know if I’m going to hell to do it. So I stress about that, which means I don’t sleep. And if I don’t sleep, then my symptoms flare. So I’m in a bad cycle where like if I have to work the next day because I try to do four hours a week.

00:37:29:51 – 00:37:55:04
Kristin Maier
And so if I have to work the next day and then it’s on a Tuesday, and then Wednesday, I have an appointment and then Thursday I have to work again. On Monday I can’t sleep because all I’m doing is thinking about plan B, plan C, what if I can’t do this? Who’s going to pick up the kids? What if I can’t do this and I stay up all night and then I can’t get out of bed the next day because my body won’t work?

00:37:55:09 – 00:38:21:52
Agent Palmer
I’m. I’m with me. I’m like, I don’t I don’t need to. That’s been my anxiety. Like, that’s kind of the thing, right? And the worst part about it is not that it always comes back to this, but like we weren’t told to share our feelings. And so it’s always internalized. And regardless of how much I share, I’m not saying it’s the tip of the iceberg.

00:38:22:05 – 00:38:52:46
Agent Palmer
I think I do. When I do share, I share a little bit more than the 10% that’s above the water. I might share a little bit more like 50% or something like that. But that’s still half the story I’m not telling you, right? Because I don’t want to get into it or it’s gut like telling you I’m anxious is part of it, but if I go any deeper, I’m actually just going to get more like I’m I can tell you what’s going on, but if I explain it, it’s going to make it worse.

00:38:52:46 – 00:39:16:52
Kristin Maier
Which it doesn’t, though, I watched with Rohan when she holds everything in and when the dam finally bursts and she lets it all out, I can literally see the difference. Yeah, like it’s physical. She the way she holds herself, the way everything. The next couple weeks are always amazing. I’m like, didn’t that feel good now? Can you remember how good this felt?

00:39:17:04 – 00:39:31:42
Kristin Maier
But next time you’re going through things, next time you’re thinking these awful thoughts, can can we talk about it because the more and more we talk, the better and better it feels. The more and more it seems far away. Right. Like.

00:39:31:42 – 00:39:32:20
Agent Palmer
Yeah.

00:39:32:25 – 00:39:49:16
Kristin Maier
And and like like you said, when you when you tell a little bit, you’ve already told the story. You don’t need to tell stuff later on. But if you told it again and again and again, then that story just becomes a story. It’s not your feelings, right? Like so you. That’s what I keep on telling Rohan. And like, just talk, talk talk talk talk.

00:39:49:23 – 00:40:08:07
Kristin Maier
And that’s what I do in my blog is I talk, talk, talk, talk. I write all week and then I kind of filter it down. And since Ms.. I’m doing something that you’ve been telling me to do for years, you’ll be so proud of me. But I actually write down I have my next eight posts ready to go.

00:40:08:12 – 00:40:08:36
Agent Palmer
Nice.

00:40:08:46 – 00:40:30:52
Kristin Maier
Which I’ve never done before, but I feel like there’s. So now my posts are so defined. This week I’m going to talk about a meal plan. This week I’m going to talk about an Ms. update. This, week is about the kids. So this week is about books, right? So I have like these four things and I only post once a week.

00:40:30:52 – 00:40:46:43
Kristin Maier
So I’m like, wow, I’m already into July and August with my post because I already know what I’m going to be posting. And then I kind of write all week now I can’t actually type anymore because my Ms. comes out in my fingertips and I.

00:40:46:48 – 00:40:52:25
Agent Palmer
Can you can you can you write like, no. Can you handwrite at all? No, no. Okay.

00:40:52:30 – 00:41:14:23
Kristin Maier
No I can’t it’s awful. Well, one of my favorite things in the entire world is a new notebook. And I used to just even do the alphabet over and over and over again because I just. I love pencils and white paper and lines in order. And my hands are a mess now. Like, they they just don’t work.

00:41:14:23 – 00:41:41:35
Kristin Maier
Well, they get tired. I can’t even like, drive because I hold on to the steering wheel and then my hands get tired, which are so stupid. Yeah. So I use my dictation on my phone more often than not now, and I’ll write all week and then erase most of it, because I know I can’t put that out there because people are so judgy and every single person is like, are you?

00:41:41:37 – 00:41:48:16
Kristin Maier
Why are you complaining about this? Or why? If you can see this in yourself, then just don’t. And I’m like, oh really? Okay.

00:41:48:29 – 00:41:53:39
Agent Palmer
Yeah. Yeah. That’s yeah. It’s just so easy. Like that’s why they’re like, yeah, I mean.

00:41:53:44 – 00:42:06:16
Kristin Maier
I write about like my mum, it’s her ten year anniversary coming up in a couple weeks. And you know, like my uncle will message me and he’s like, it’s up in ten years. Stop whining about it.

00:42:06:21 – 00:42:06:39
Agent Palmer
I mean.

00:42:06:44 – 00:42:09:48
Kristin Maier
Like, I’m not whining about it. I miss my mom. Yeah. A lot. Yeah.

00:42:09:48 – 00:42:17:18
Agent Palmer
I think it’s, I, I, I was a smoker at a certain point. I knew it was bad for me.

00:42:17:22 – 00:42:17:55
Kristin Maier
That’s right.

00:42:17:55 – 00:42:41:48
Agent Palmer
Still did it, though. And by the way, took like, I, I’m a by the way, I’m the enigma. Hi. I’m the one who quit twice. Cold turkey. In fact, had I had, I had started up again, I would have like, had I not started up the second time, I would have been successful the first time. I blamed a partner for that.

00:42:41:48 – 00:42:49:54
Agent Palmer
He handed me a pack, and I was like, oh, okay. Oh, yeah. Oh, I guess I’m doing this again. I quit.

00:42:49:54 – 00:43:11:27
Kristin Maier
Cold turkey the first time, seven months. And then my grandfather died, of smoking. And I came out to Penticton and my mom handed me a cigaret, and she’s like, I know you quit. I’ve quit too. But this is a rough week. And so I started smoking again. When I quit the second time. Cold turkey. I have never.

00:43:11:32 – 00:43:29:57
Kristin Maier
I kept two cigarets, actually, and I kept them in my rafters. And I would go out there and I’d hold them in the garage, and I’d smell them and I’d caress them, and then I’d put them back up in the rafters in the garage, and I never I left them, actually, I destroyed them when I moved, I was like, you are done.

00:43:30:01 – 00:43:35:24
Agent Palmer
But I, I started smoking cigars on a regular occasion.

00:43:35:29 – 00:43:36:55
Kristin Maier
So did my mom after she quit smoking.

00:43:36:55 – 00:43:56:43
Agent Palmer
And what happened is, because the part of being my best friend and probably the person I socialize with the most outside of stuff, he’s kind of gotten into this whole cigar thing. And he’s like, hey, do you want to have one? And I’m like, no, like, I will have one with you maybe once a month. I will do that.

00:43:56:43 – 00:44:25:06
Agent Palmer
12 a year, 12 cigars, a year I’m fine with. But if we start doing this weekly, right, it’s it’s it’s like I know my limit of like one a month is I can I can keep it at one a month. Right. But if you start doing weekly and now all of a sudden it’s going to be like, well, how about Wednesday and Friday and like and now, like, it’s such a slippery slope, but I bring it up because, well, why can’t you just stop like that’s that’s not.

00:44:25:06 – 00:44:40:01
Agent Palmer
No. Like nothing. Nothing works that way. You don’t you don’t tell somebody who’s obese, just stop eating like that whore. No, that’s not good advice. Just stop. Really.

00:44:40:05 – 00:45:04:02
Kristin Maier
I don’t know, people get uncomfortable with what I share. I think that especially, like, family members, not they would prefer if they did not hear about my struggles. Right? They just want to think Kristen’s doing great. And you know, look at Kristen. She’s doing it all kind of thing. And and that’s wonderful. I love to give that perception because I have always had it together.

00:45:04:02 – 00:45:25:41
Kristin Maier
And like my mom always said, you, you can make a seven course dinner and everybody can enjoy it. But unless the dishes are done before all the people enjoy it, that’s all they’ll remember. Yeah, you must have your dishes done, Kristen. You know, like it’s it’s the dinner is not the important part. It’s wow. She cooked that dinner and there’s no mess.

00:45:25:46 – 00:45:46:07
Kristin Maier
That’s the thing. Yeah. You know, and my mom used to put all the dishes in the bathtub, and the bathroom was a disaster. And she would do dishes for the next three days. But when people came into the kitchen, they were just like, how did you pull off this dinner in this immaculate kitchen? And so that’s what I’ve always tried to do, is keep my dishes done well.

00:45:46:07 – 00:46:20:03
Agent Palmer
And and what’s worse, and this is not on you. What’s worse is that everybody else is starting to show a little bit of their dirty dishes. Right? Like so it’s not that Christine sharing too much, it’s that people are oversharing everywhere. And so what used to be a nice blog about what the kids did is no longer that it’s a little bit more personal, and I’m already getting over shared from any social media I’m on.

00:46:20:08 – 00:46:46:43
Agent Palmer
I’m already hearing more from my friends, because when we’re hanging out at the bar or when they call me, I hear about their shit, whatever it is, and so you’re just adding to it and reminding them that, well, their friends not doing so hot. But I didn’t want to know about that. So Kristen’s not doing so hot, and I don’t want to know about that.

00:46:46:55 – 00:47:11:26
Agent Palmer
Like it’s just that thing. And I, I applaud you, and I don’t applaud you because you’re my friend. I applaud you because you’re sharing the dirty dishes. I, I actually I’m fine with that. I, I’ve said before that, I started watching and I started watching Minecraft YouTubers, and we.

00:47:11:28 – 00:47:12:49
Kristin Maier
My kids do that all the.

00:47:12:49 – 00:47:39:07
Agent Palmer
Time. We started watching when a lot of other people did during the pandemic, and a lot of them, as content creators, thought, well, it’s pandemic. My numbers are going up. I have to do this, that, and the other thing and coming out of it, I’ve, I’ve witnessed the burnout from some of those creators. And what happens is a lot of them, when they come back, they talk about it and they get.

00:47:39:12 – 00:48:07:38
Agent Palmer
5050 split, like, hey, split the room. Half the people are excited to hear them, have them back and to hear them talk about their struggles. And the other half are like, what are you complaining about? You play a game. It’s like, it’s not that simple. And so I applaud anyone for putting it out there because like you, you almost have to like, I, I probably it goes back to me not sharing enough, especially on this show and in my blog.

00:48:07:38 – 00:48:32:22
Agent Palmer
Like, people might think I have it together like I more or less. But there are times when it’s definitely less and I do not let that on. And it’s not a character, and I’m not trying to be tough for anybody else, but you have to let people know that they’re not alone. Somebody struggling listening to this should not feel like, oh, that fucking Palmer guy.

00:48:32:23 – 00:48:34:32
Agent Palmer
Like he’s always got it together, like.

00:48:34:36 – 00:48:36:49
Kristin Maier
On his stool up here looking down at us.

00:48:37:02 – 00:48:38:45
Agent Palmer
Like, no, of course not.

00:48:38:45 – 00:49:06:20
Kristin Maier
Like six years ago, a girlfriend of mine, she messaged me because I love Insta story and stuff like that. So I post all these different stories throughout the day and she messaged me and said, Jesus Christ, do you eat gourmet every night? Like, give a single mom a fucking break? Kristen, you know, and so and as I read it, I it was pouring in the box of Katie because I’m a huge Kraft Dinner fan.

00:49:06:24 – 00:49:34:23
Kristin Maier
In Canada, macaroni and cheese is like our thing, right? Not homemade macaroni cheese. Katie. So as pouring in my box. And I just sat there and I took a picture and I posted it and I was like, real life, this is what we’re eating tonight, right? And she was like, oh my God, that’s amazing. Now, after I was diagnosed, a lot of friends, they sent baskets, but they didn’t contact me.

00:49:34:27 – 00:49:52:43
Kristin Maier
I don’t think people know what to say, right? They’re just like, whoa, this is weird. So after a couple months, she contacted me and she just, like, put it all out there. She’s like, you know, I’m talking to my mom and just. This is shit. Kristen, I cannot believe this is happening to you. And it was like, the most frank and honest.

00:49:52:43 – 00:50:14:56
Kristin Maier
And she was like, Ms.. Sucks. This sucks. You know? And nobody had said that to me. Everybody was just like, oh, and ask me question like, you’re going to get through it and there’s no getting through it. It’s just it just continues, right? Like that’s there’s there’s no cure, there’s no end. And people think I’m being so pessimistic when I say that, you know, like get better soon, I won’t.

00:50:15:00 – 00:50:35:53
Kristin Maier
Yeah. Like thanks though. That’s you’re saying that for you because that does nothing for me. Because all it does is reassure that I’m not getting better. Yeah. Thank you for saying that again. But she was so frank and I wrote a post about it that week, and I was like, let’s stop with all of like the side of everything’s great.

00:50:35:57 – 00:51:00:30
Kristin Maier
This is shit. Yeah. And I’m pissed off that this happened to me, right? Like so I think that she really was like a smack in the face of, like, you got to be real. And those first 6 to 8 weeks where I was in a flare up and I’ve never felt anything like that before. And they told me I forget how it feels, and I probably do.

00:51:00:30 – 00:51:27:48
Kristin Maier
I just remember being awful. Yeah. And I posted pictures of me bloated and crying and black and blue from falling and all of the things that I was going through. And I don’t care if it’s uncomfortable for you, it’s helping me. This is my therapy that I need to get this out and tell you what I’m thinking and what I’m feeling, and then I have so many new followers that are like, I feel that too.

00:51:27:48 – 00:51:45:51
Kristin Maier
And nobody posts that they’re all post the good days, but you post your bad days. And I think that that’s needed because I watch people going through their bad days and going, oh wow, they are feeling just like me. And that helps me personally.

00:51:45:54 – 00:52:12:13
Agent Palmer
So that’s where, the, the people I know with Ms.. Only one has kind of shared the bad. Everybody else, everybody else that I know like or that it comes up in coverage. Oh yeah, I have Ms.. I have, I don’t know, like you would like and I’m not saying that it’s like a disability, like, oh, you’re in a wheelchair, right?

00:52:12:13 – 00:52:39:57
Agent Palmer
Like you don’t have to, you don’t need to say it like, but but to make it seem like you’re normal. Who are you doing that for? And most likely it’s for you, right? Like you’re doing that to to to so the world doesn’t think you have it basically, or whatever it is. But like I, it goes back to me being depressed and not coming not not not sharing that.

00:52:40:02 – 00:52:58:18
Kristin Maier
Right. I’m my mum did not share like at all. I, we lived together. I had no idea what she was going through on a daily basis. And everybody that has a mess is different. Yeah, right. Like, every single person that comes up to me is like, I know somebody with that mess, and they’re fine. They work all the time.

00:52:58:22 – 00:53:01:06
Kristin Maier
You know, I’m like, that’s great. I’m really, really happy for them.

00:53:01:10 – 00:53:11:34
Agent Palmer
Yeah, well, it’s the same with depression or good eating disorders or like any number of things, we’re all individuals, so that it’s never the same.

00:53:11:44 – 00:53:28:40
Kristin Maier
Right. Well, I have lesions on my brain, so my lesions are not the same as your lesions because they’re in different spots. They’re different diameter. They’re I have a different amount. I mean it all depends where your lesions are, where they’re interrupting service. Right. These are this is how I explain it to the kids.

00:53:28:45 – 00:53:30:49
Agent Palmer
Okay. Yeah. Now.

00:53:30:53 – 00:53:39:09
Kristin Maier
I have to explain a lot to them because they’re just like, I don’t understand why you were fine ten minutes ago, and now you’re on your ass, right?

00:53:39:13 – 00:54:08:45
Agent Palmer
Yeah. And there’s, I think that the, And this is from having read along with your journey, I feel like we as a as a reader, we only get a third of the story. Oh, because and, well. Hold on. No, it’s not because that’s what you’re sharing. I think it’s also because you’ve told your kids three times this week.

00:54:08:50 – 00:54:30:26
Agent Palmer
And so it’s that kind of the diminishing returns. I want to say I already told ro and said, and Chris, this thing, my, my readers are going to get a sentence where everybody out like Chris got five paragraphs, said, got four, bro got three. The blog gets a sentence, you know, like.

00:54:30:34 – 00:55:02:15
Kristin Maier
But it ends up being surface because I’ve already verbally vomited all of my things for that day and I’m exhausted. And so I always give the conclusion in my book, right? Like so whatever self actuality or self awareness that I’ve come to, each week before I write it, I’m not working through it. Sometimes I am, and I feel like when I read those ones I’m like,

00:55:02:20 – 00:55:22:41
Kristin Maier
Two months later I got there, but I was not there yet. Especially with this kind of thing. I mean, I in I’ve only been diagnosed for just over a year, so by next year, who knows what I will be thinking. And because I know that my thoughts now compared to the way I was last time it this year, are completely different, right?

00:55:22:41 – 00:55:31:17
Kristin Maier
Like I think at the beginning I was just like, I’m going to beat this. And then I realized that’s not how it goes, but no beating it.

00:55:31:17 – 00:55:57:41
Agent Palmer
But but you have the I mean, I think the, the one thing and I don’t know if there’s like doctors that specialize in EMS, but I would say that the fact that you have a, a basically a like you have a, a journal of where you’ve been and what you’ve been through and whether you’re better or worse, 12 months from now, you’ll be able to go back two years and see what it was like at the beginning or.

00:55:57:54 – 00:56:23:35
Kristin Maier
You actually have a mess Journal that I don’t write in my blog. Okay. And that’s the deep thoughts that I don’t put in the blog, because they’re just, they’re they’re too raw and I haven’t fully formed them yet. That’s fine. And so sometimes I find that I just see words and it makes me feel better, but it doesn’t make sense to a reader.

00:56:23:35 – 00:56:50:13
Agent Palmer
And this is where I think that there we we talk about being authentic and sharing everything. But there does need to be some kind of filter, because the different I would be willing to bet that you could share that miss journal with me, and I would have no idea what the like the that’s the that’s the part where you need the filter is not that I’m not sharing with you.

00:56:50:13 – 00:56:55:32
Agent Palmer
The filter is that I wrote three words that mean something to me.

00:56:55:33 – 00:56:55:57
Kristin Maier
That’s right.

00:56:55:59 – 00:57:04:05
Agent Palmer
You aren’t going to figure out how they like like do. You don’t even like baseball, pineapple or whatever. Like it’s just like, I don’t how.

00:57:04:09 – 00:57:25:41
Kristin Maier
I wrote I like the longest thing. And again, it was it’s all about my symptoms. Right. And I’m trying to explain it to Chris and like, okay, do you remember Inspector Gadget? Like, when I bend over my back feels like he’s putting a spring out, like Inspector Gadget, and he’s, like, looking at me. And I get it.

00:57:25:46 – 00:57:28:49
Kristin Maier
The neurologist has no idea what I’m talking about. Nobody has any to do it.

00:57:28:49 – 00:57:35:45
Agent Palmer
I get it, I get it, I don’t understand, I mean, just what? Okay, maybe people need. Maybe we need to update your references.

00:57:35:45 – 00:58:00:14
Kristin Maier
Chris, when I bent down at that time that it felt like an accordion, like all I could picture was like Inspector Gadget, like kind of. Yeah, bouncing back and forth. And so that’s how it felt in my back. And it’s such a weird feeling that I don’t have the words for it. Nobody has ever felt this before. And I think that this is why, Ms..

00:58:00:14 – 00:58:22:14
Kristin Maier
Patients get so frustrated because they’re you can’t explain. And you look normal, right? Like. Yeah, I’m talking to you right now. I look exactly the same as I did. Plus 30 or so pounds. Then the last time we saw each other, yet I can’t feel my arm. I have, you know, on my left side, my eye is hanging.

00:58:22:14 – 00:58:33:24
Kristin Maier
I feel like, I mean, I had a stroke, but you can’t see that. But my face is numb, so I’m trying to, like, talk around my words, knowing that my left side of my mouth isn’t working. So it is working.

00:58:33:24 – 00:59:00:27
Agent Palmer
And perhaps this is why I understand what you’re going through, because every anxiety I’ve ever had has always been nonphysical, with the exception of when I actually feel like I’m going to throw up. No one will ever know. No one knows that. Right? And so, it’s just kind of like, I, I maybe, maybe I can read between the lines a little bit.

00:59:00:32 – 00:59:19:16
Agent Palmer
Because I could see I but I understand that and I think that that’s a thing where I think more people need to understand that not everything’s physical. Like, not every or not every wound is going to be bandaged for people to be like, can I sign your cast? That’s not. It’s how.

00:59:19:21 – 00:59:40:59
Kristin Maier
It’s dies. At the eye specialist last week. And, It was with all a bunch of elderly people sitting around, and a lady came in with her husband, and she was early. But there’s no place for her husband to sit. And this other elderly woman got up and said, you can take my seat. And the lady looked directly at me and said, no, I will take her seat.

00:59:41:08 – 01:00:00:19
Kristin Maier
She’s young. And I just sat there going, like I was going to vomit, like my stomach was so upset. I was just like, I don’t want to do this. I don’t feel like I need to tell my medical history to this entire waiting room. And so I just sat and looked at her and I said nothing. And everybody was like it was waiting for me to get up.

01:00:00:19 – 01:00:19:45
Kristin Maier
And I was like, nope. And very quickly my name got called, thank God. But I’d been waiting 40 minutes and I had my legs to sit for 40 minutes. Straight down and they have to be up. So as soon as I took one step, I fell flat on my face. I was so embarrassed. It was awful. Awful.

01:00:19:50 – 01:00:40:19
Kristin Maier
And I just, like, looked around and like, I have a mess. And I just got up and dragged my leg over to the next fucking waiting room. And it was awful. It is. It was so embarrassing. It was the worst. I think, experience I’ve had with Ms. in public so far. But I don’t go out in public very often because I don’t know how I’m going to behave.

01:00:40:23 – 01:00:47:34
Agent Palmer
Yeah, I there’s, there’s a balance there. Right. But I mean, you, you showed that of that woman,

01:00:47:39 – 01:01:12:02
Kristin Maier
It was awful. And then I had to go back yesterday and I have again, I was too emotional yesterday to post anything to talk about it or anything. I got in the car, I called Chris, I had my emotional breakdown and then came home and I had to sleep for the rest of the day because emotions, heat, anything gives me flare ups and exhausts me, which is so crazy.

01:01:12:11 – 01:01:30:52
Kristin Maier
So one experience at the eye doctor yesterday was enough to put me in bed for the rest of the day, which is crazy, but when I walked in after all the things that happened last week and then waiting another hour, I dragged my leg in. She looked at me and said, I don’t know what you’re complaining about. It’s all in your head.

01:01:30:57 – 01:01:32:02
Agent Palmer

01:01:32:07 – 01:01:41:12
Kristin Maier
And I was like, it really is actually all in my head. It’s called lesions on my white matter. Like it really is all in my head. And I get that. But I’m not making shit up.

01:01:41:17 – 01:01:42:07
Agent Palmer
Yeah.

01:01:42:11 – 01:02:00:09
Kristin Maier
I can’t see. And she dropped these yellow drops in my eyes and it went all down my face. She didn’t say sorry. It ruined my mask because I still wear a mask because I have no immune system. Yeah, and it ruined my shirt. And she’d even say sorry. I was in there for three minutes, and she told me I could leave.

01:02:00:14 – 01:02:10:24
Kristin Maier
It was awful. But that’s how it is. People are like my mum or my cousin or my has Ms. and they’re fine. So I don’t know what’s wrong with you.

01:02:10:29 – 01:02:25:46
Agent Palmer
Yeah. It’s just like, anything else? Right? Like, oh, my friend has anxiety, but they can get on a plane. Why can’t you? It’s like, well, not to, not quite to say. I mean, it’s not the same, you know, not the same. And I.

01:02:25:46 – 01:02:37:04
Kristin Maier
Everybody’s individual. And even when I share my story, it’s not going to be relatable to other people because there’s people out there that have a they’re like, I’m perfectly fine. You’re whiny, you know, and.

01:02:37:04 – 01:02:37:27
Agent Palmer
There’s people.

01:02:37:38 – 01:02:59:33
Kristin Maier
Worse people. Yeah, that’s right. That are way worse. And and you know, my mum was someone that never complained, went along with her day. I don’t know how she did, to be honest. And my cousin who is my age, she passed away of Ms. last year. So I mean actually she passed away. Ms. a month before I was diagnosed.

01:02:59:38 – 01:03:11:59
Kristin Maier
So that’s the difference. I mean, that was a 39 year old woman that died of Ms.. As opposed to my mum who lived her life pretty full and died of cancer. Right?

01:03:11:59 – 01:03:13:04
Agent Palmer
Yeah.

01:03:13:09 – 01:03:24:36
Kristin Maier
So like that’s everybody’s different in their journey. And I just like to share it more than other people. And some people are not happy with that. And some people are so.

01:03:24:41 – 01:03:33:56
Unknown
I don’t know.

01:03:34:00 – 01:03:58:06
Agent Palmer
When it comes to sharing your story, it is often diminishing returns. The first person gets the most. The last person gets to hear the least. But there are two things of importance here one, you should share it anyway because we could all learn to communicate better. There are so many roadblocks that talking is now seen as the least accessible form of communication, because we have these mobile devices.

01:03:58:06 – 01:04:23:40
Agent Palmer
But honestly, talking one on one is the most effective form of communication, so don’t neglect it in favor of that three paragraph text message. And two. Perhaps most importantly, you should share it because within reason, almost every story has merit, and holding on to it for yourself does nothing for the people who may need to hear that they aren’t alone, even if they don’t realize they need to hear that clearly.

01:04:23:40 – 01:04:43:14
Agent Palmer
You have to know your audience. I’m not suggesting you tell the story to everyone on the bus or in the waiting room, but do your friends and family know what you’re going through in the meantime? I’m doing well. So is Kristen, for that matter, and we’re both working towards being better than that. Thanks for listening to The Palmer Files episode 102.

01:04:43:14 – 01:05:01:10
Agent Palmer
And now for the official business. The Palmer Files releases every two weeks on Tuesdays. If you’re still listening, I encourage you to join the discussion. You can find all related ways to contact myself and my guest, Kristen Maier in the show notes. There you can find links to visit honey Bears and Sydney Beans, her blog to see what Chris has been up to.

01:05:01:11 – 01:05:20:14
Agent Palmer
And you can also listen to How Was your Week, honey? To hear what she’s been up to. The music for this episode was provided by Henno Heitur. Email can be sent to this show with the Palmer files at gmail.com. And remember, you’re home for all things. Agent Palmer is Agent palmer.com.

01:05:20:19 – 01:05:27:09
Unknown
And.

01:05:27:14 – 01:05:35:04
Unknown
You.

01:05:35:09 – 01:05:53:00
Unknown
See?

01:05:53:05 – 01:05:57:34
Unknown
Me?

01:05:57:39 – 01:06:03:04
Unknown
She’s.

01:06:03:08 – 01:06:05:23
Agent Palmer
All right. Kristen, do you have one final question for me?

01:06:05:25 – 01:06:31:35
Kristin Maier
Well, we were talking about how I feel about not working for the first time in my life. And I was wondering if you feel that same way. Do you feel like you have less of a purpose in life because you’re not working? I never tied work to my self-worth. As much as you have, career was always very important to you.

01:06:31:40 – 01:06:59:49
Kristin Maier
Now that I haven’t been working for a year, I feel like that is the biggest weight on my shoulders. Is not putting money into our savings. Not being able to buy Chris a birthday present with my own money. And I was wondering how you deal with that, and if you had any advice on how I can move forward and not feel like that, because you’ve been in that situation for a while.

01:06:59:51 – 01:07:28:34
Agent Palmer
It’s it’s rough because the only advice I can give you wouldn’t work for you. And I say that because what I have found is, I have doubled down on being, a housekeeper, so to speak. I have doubled down on making sure the house is clean, doing the dishes and doing the cooking. I have doubled down on quote unquote, contributing to the household in other ways.

01:07:28:39 – 01:08:04:54
Agent Palmer
Okay. The career part of it, though, absolutely sucks, and I do not know without true actual therapy. I don’t know what there is to help me with that because the the more you put yourself out there. And get rejected. Rejection is not a bad thing. But for me, the hard part is, my job search has been twofold.

01:08:04:54 – 01:08:27:54
Agent Palmer
One, it’s actually applying for jobs, and the other is the quote unquote, networking. When you meet with people that are willing to talk to you, either in industries or at companies or whatever. And for me, I would suggest that if you can deal with rejection, just apply for jobs, right. And then that’s fine. If you don’t get it, you don’t get it.

01:08:28:08 – 01:08:59:35
Agent Palmer
For me, the hard part has been the networking in conjunction with the job search, because what happens is I sit down across from these executives or directors or just former colleagues or former colleagues of colleagues, and they all tell me that I know what I’m doing and that I should be hired. And what? And there’s this disconnect between the people I’m networking with who see value in what I bring to either a conversation or a question they asked or whatever.

01:08:59:40 – 01:09:19:28
Agent Palmer
And then the fact that nobody actually wants to hire me for that. And so for me, it’s that disconnect. That’s the that that weighs down on me. I think if I was just networking and eventually maybe somebody would offer me a job from that that would be fine. But you can’t just do that. You still have to like, apply for things.

01:09:19:41 – 01:09:31:13
Agent Palmer
And so the people that say I have value versus just never hearing back from companies, that disconnect is the part that hurts the most.

01:09:31:17 – 01:09:31:41
Kristin Maier
Gotcha.

01:09:31:46 – 01:09:39:35
Agent Palmer
Because you hear that you have and it’s not like, this is not like, oh, your parents always tell you you’re special, right? That’s not what this is like.

01:09:39:35 – 01:09:45:02
Kristin Maier
I’ve another problem that we did, by the way. Way too much great jobs, way too much.

01:09:45:13 – 01:10:07:18
Agent Palmer
But but it is that like all these people tell me that I have value. And then when I put myself on the market, no one’s biting. Right. And so where who I, I would love to believe that those people aren’t lying to me, but perhaps it’s because they can tell the truth, because they don’t have to spend their budget on it, and nobody wants to spend any money.

01:10:07:18 – 01:10:38:36
Agent Palmer
And it’s a whole lot. But I have doubled down on the household of contribute. I need to contribute in some way. Right. And that’s just I can’t sit idly by and Steph’s, supportive of the podcast, the blog, the you know, I do have, like a small consultancy where I make a little bit of money, but I would, I would like a job.

01:10:38:36 – 01:11:06:08
Agent Palmer
And I think that the worst part about it is and I’ve started to consider leading with this in every networking slash job thing I do. I’m not looking for my next job for the next six months. I’m looking for my job for the next six years. Maybe you’ll fire me before then, but you don’t have to worry about me jumping.

01:11:06:08 – 01:11:27:28
Agent Palmer
Like the problem is people look at anyone between the ages of 30 and 45 right now, as people that have jumped from job to job to job. And yes, I have former colleagues that embody that to a T, they probably make exponentially more money than I ever will because they’re on company seven and they’ve never been fired from one.

01:11:27:37 – 01:11:39:10
Agent Palmer
But I don’t want that. Like I don’t. None of that seems comfortable to me. I want to hitch my wagon to a company and stay there.

01:11:39:15 – 01:12:01:20
Kristin Maier
Do you think maybe that that is something that companies might be scared of, because it seems like nobody wants to commit to anything anymore? I mean, I think that people might be like, I only want you for six months, and if it works out, we’ll go from there. Anybody that wants to stay longer, that might be scary for some companies, especially companies with younger executives.

01:12:01:20 – 01:12:08:09
Kristin Maier
They’re like, well, we might not want you in six years, so why would I agree to that? Like long term contracts then?

01:12:08:10 – 01:12:14:30
Agent Palmer
I don’t want to work for like that’s the thing like I it for me there is and maybe I don’t.

01:12:14:30 – 01:12:18:28
Kristin Maier
Know if that is how it works. I haven’t been in the job force for very long time. There’s that.

01:12:18:33 – 01:12:44:38
Agent Palmer
But here’s the thing. There’s no I don’t know how they’re thinking, because most of you don’t get to talk to those people most of the time. But what I would say is, and maybe I’m extremely old fashioned in this, but I like to think that if you come to understand the company you’re working for, you will do a better job, and that is not something you learn in the first two weeks.

01:12:44:42 – 01:12:53:54
Kristin Maier
Yeah, I know, it just feels like so many people are scared of like, commitment. I mean, look at all these young people living together and not getting married, which is going to be my question.

01:12:54:09 – 01:12:55:37
Agent Palmer
Hey, hey, hey, you.

–End Transcription–

This transcription was processed by PalmerTech 3.1 and may contain errors for HUMINT (human intelligence).